Punishing Children VS. Changing Bad Behaviour
Punishing
Children VS. Changing Bad Behaviour
Parents use
different types of punishment to change their children’s behaviour. Every
parent has seen the “magic” of physical punishment when the child does what the
parent wants at once. However, what parents do not realize is that it does not
really change the child’s behaviour for the better. It does not teach their
child anything good. Physical punishment does much more harm to children than
you can imagine.
Every parent’s
purpose should be teaching his child something valuable. Parents should focus
on preparing their children for the challenges of this life. Thus, the child
has to learn why he does/does not do something. Children are not robots, and
parents cannot control them for the rest of their lives.
Let’s see what
research shows regarding this area of parenting. Dr. Haim G. Ginott wrote a
book on parenting, “Between parent and child.” In one of the chapters, he gave
seven principles that will change every child’s future if parents start
applying them now. Parents should keep in mind that it is never late to change
the parenting style or a bad pattern that has already developed in the family.
Patience and persistence will be rewarding in your attempts to improve your
parenting style. Here are the principles by Ginott (2003):
1.
“The beginning of wisdom is listening” (Ginott, 2003, p. 198).
Dr. Ginott explains that parents should listen to their child even if he is
telling the unpleasant truth. They should avoid giving comments that are
humiliating, angry, dismissing, denying, criticizing, etc. The child needs to
be sure that his parent will listen to him. Active listening shows that the
parent cares. Increase the trust by showing that you sincerely care for
him/her. If that trust is not there, the child might not feel comfortable to
self-disclose.
2.
The scientist’s second advice is that parents should acknowledge
the child’s opinion, feelings, experience, taste, desires, etc. Moreover, you
need to validate their emotions. A helpful thing is to share your emotions with
the child. By doing so, you will teach your child that emotions and feelings
matter. Also, the child will learn how to deal with them the right way.
3.
“Instead of criticism use guidance. State the problem and
possible solution” (Ginott, 2003, p. 200). Often, parents criticize the child
instead of the wrong behaviour or action. Parents who develop this skill will
never make their child feel bad about themselves.
4.
“When angry, describe what you see, what you feel, and what you
expect, starting with the pronoun I” (Ginott, 2003, p. 200). These are called
I-messages. They will help you be clear at the moment of misbehaviour and state
what you want to be changed.
5.
The fifth principle talks about praise. There is a correct way
of praising children. Parents should state the right acts and behaviour, not
the child’s personality. It will teach the child that hard work matters more
than anything else. They will achieve more with a growth mindset.
6.
Saying “no” to a child has to be done in a way that he knows you
care. Parents should show that they understand how much the child wanted to
have that toy.
7.
Children should be given the right to say their opinion and make
their own choices (age-appropriate).
So, how can we teach
our children the correct behaviour if we don’t model it? In the video below, we
learn three key factors from Dr. Paul Jenkins, a famous clinical
psychologist:
- Calm face
- Calm voice
- Calm Body
Children tend to
imitate their parents’ behaviour. Parents are the first models for them. You
can’t make children not yell if you yell at them every day.
The next vital
principle that the expert explains is separating people from bad behaviour.
Your children are not bad, so criticizing their personality will only hurt
them. It is bad behaviour that should be criticized. It is even worse when
parents criticize their child in public. This mistake damages your relationship
with the child a lot. Seek opportunities to praise your child and encourage
him. It will not only uplift the child but also give him confidence.
Finally, what
children need to realize is how their behaviour affects those around them.
Parents can explain it to their children in a calm voice when it’s appropriate.
It is your responsibility to teach the child what really matters. Often,
children think that bad behaviour is just unpleasant for the parents. That’s
why parents should teach their children what the consequences of the behaviour
are.
Hopefully, the tips
and advice given by experts can help you to review your parenting style and the
patterns you use.
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